Wednesday, August 29, 2012

In My Mind

Ok, so I slid off the journaling wagon...I can do this, I can do this.  I do want to record things for posterity, I just don't know exactly how/where to do it.  I want to share the things in my mind, but I don't know if I want people to read them.  My mind is a little weird, I tell ya!  I don't always feel up and up and there are so many struggles, just like everyone else has. I'm not sure I want to add more to the world.  But, I'm not necessarily writing for the public.  I think I'm just writing to write in a journal right now.  We'll see if it sticks around after YW and hopefully it will.  I need to relieve my burden of guilt (I told you weird mind) to all the un-named few and tell you this blog probably isn't entertaining.  It might be simply up and  down as I am.

So, now to my inner crazy...

Things have been well these last days before school officially starts.  Crazy that it doesn't start around here until after Labor Day.  My boys have become quite bored-complaining there is nothing to do, yet they are furiously riding their bikes (and furiously is a good descriptive for the way they ride), staring fixedly at the TV screen playing video games, popping popcorn and watching movies like this is the last summer of their lives.

Money has been tight, like it often is, but I have tried to make this last part of summer fun.  We've played games, made treats and lazed around.  I feel guilty we haven't done more.  Maybe if I learned to budget money a little better, we'd have a little more to burn. ;)

We have been making inroads into the help we need to get for Emmeline.  It is a slow process with a lot of forms, signatures and evaluations.  I am SO thankful, though, that we are in the military.  Despite having poverty level salary (no joke) we have the blessing of all the medical help we need for our family.  I can't imagine trying to do this on our own without it.  Emmeline has been showing some improvements with her communication.  I am jumping for joy with her self-manufactured phrases of "I want".  Unfortunately her demands usually fall along the lines of cookies, but I'm still excited.  Another form of communication she has recently acquired is her tugs.  She has started pulling me from a room if she wants something not in there or just hanging on my legs if she wants me to hold her.  This is an improvement to crying or using her rote phrases.  The downside to her learning more communication is she turns to more self-stimulating to help her cope.  Typical behavior for ASD.  She has started hand waving/flapping, throwing more tantrums, and using her peripheral vision to look at people and objects.  I am excited to learn how and what to do to help Em to continue to progress.

I have been dealing with all of these changes in my settled life by reading up on it.  It is interesting to read on the theories of causes, therapies and behavioral challenges.  I have learned to be so thankful for the level Emmeline is at.  She is high-functioning and my heart aches for the parents, family and friends of those who deal with much lower-functioning autism.  I am encouraged by the research and the progress made towards helping children with ASD.  It is amazing how much good can be done with the speech and behavior therapies.   Another stressor for me, however, is letting go of the guilt of not doing enough.  I feel guilt about her diet, guilt about how engaged/not engaged I am, guilt about being a hand in her having ASD.  There are so many theories, so many techniques to try.  I'm never doing quite enough.  Uggh!!!  I need to rid myself of the burden of guilt!!  I swear I go through life with this big ol' bag of things I perceive to have been my fault.  I get rid of one thing and I just throw seven more up on the pile.  Aw well...I'm workin' on it.

On another note, I am dealing with a mustachioed man.  Yes, Kit has decided to grow a mustache.  No, I have no hand in this.  In fact, it is well advertised (thankfully! I wouldn't want people thinking I liked it!) by my husband how I dislike the fur sitting under his nose.  I have kept my opinion mostly to hopes he won't act like typical Kit (there are those who understand what I mean) and take my deliberately keep it to bug me.  Maybe this hairy phase will only last a few more weeks until his class leaves.  Grrrrr.  What kills me is he is getting both positive and negative attention!  Seriously!!  He has had a few COMPLIMENTS from a couple of higher-ups at work!  Craziness!!  He also has friends fueling him with negative attention...he is now known as "Porn Stache" in jujitsu.  Blehhhh!  But, I will say what I said to him.  I love him.  I will always love him...despite the animal attached to his upper lip.

Alright, I opened the flood gates on my crazy mind...I will reign it in now.  Until later...

Friday, August 17, 2012


Yesterday and today I felt happiness.  Little bubbles of bright colors floating around inside.  So, I scanned quickly through the events of the last couple of days.  Nope, nothing stood out.  I have been happy just because I'm a happy person by nature.'s been a while.

It feels good.

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Being Filled

As I lounge here in my nice COOL home, I have been thinking of how thankful I am of this past week.  It started out a little off...AC died and repair meant ordering in a new part , children particularly tiresome due to heat, and money being tight at the end of a pay check.  BUT- I have been putting reading the scriptures and saying meaningful prayers to the test.  Life hasn't gotten easier, but I have been more able to handle it.  It has been like a little reservoir inside me has been filled, so it took just a bit longer before I was all drained out.  I was more in tune with blessings-the weather has been overcast and cooler (high 80s instead of 90s) which has made living in our home without AC so much more bearable.  All of the wearisome appointments gave us an opportunity to get out of the house at the hottest points in the day.  I have been repeatedly blessed in many ways and would normally have missed them.  I had just a little more patience (I'm no paragon, so any little bit keeps me on the good side of the law) and a little more ummph to help me get through the day.  For that, I am thankful.  

I think I can get used to feeling filled.

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Long Time...No Post

I have never been very good at journaling.  Not 20 years ago, not a year ago, not now.  However, having been recently called as the YW pres and having a strong belief that if I ask the girls to do something, I should be willing to do it too...I have decided to push through my lack of ambition and journal.  I find I am even worse (gasp) at writing things down on paper than I am typing, so here is where I'll spill my guts.  

I stopped writing due to overwhelming personal negativity.  I have been too stressed to feel perky, funny, clever in any arena in my life, so the blog was one of the first things to go.  Don't expect this blog to be fab.  If you want fabbity-fab cleverness, check out Whit's blog.  If you want stunning pictures of darling children, check out Steph's blog.  If you want to know the inner craziness of my mind...well, don't say I never warned you...keep reading.

Liberty, negative?!  Uh, I know you're not surprised.  Despite being a glass full kinda gal toward the rest of the world, my view of myself and my capabilities are on the "glass is dry as a bone" level.  It is one of my own exhibits of anxiety, but it slowly starts to erode my ability to fulfill even my lowest potential.  I have found when that begins to happen, our loving Heavenly Father steps in and hands me a job to do.  The kind of job that requires my blinders to be shed and my mind and activities turned to others.  Hmmm, maybe one of these days I'll learn my lesson.  I am excited and terrified of my new calling.  Thank heavens the Lord never expected me to tackle it on my own.  

Other issues on my mind are my darling children.  I love my beasties and I am so, so very thankful I have the opportunity to be a mother.  BUT, I am so overwhelmed right now.  My older boys are dealing with anxiety (thankfully manageable with their medication) and ADHD.  We haven't decided to medicate for it yet, but sometimes I don't know if I can handle them un-medicated.  Gunnison is well, Gunnison.  As his adoring auntie labeled him, he's one "loose cannon".  He is the sweetest, most loving, exasperating child.  He is one big warrior spirit in one tiny, wiggly body.  I throw my hands up on him.  I need to help guide him, but I don't know how.  He is not my older boys.  He is his very own person and I'm not sure how to move around his stubbornness.  He will pray when he chooses to pray.  If forced to say his nighttime prayers, he will resort to demon-voice praying, coughing after each word, or simply pretending to be asleep (with snores and snuffling sound affects).  He is so funny and so...stressing.  

And then there's Emmeline.  My beautiful, beautiful Emme.  Oh, how I love her.  She is such a special part in our family.  She is our last.  She is our sweet daughter.  After noticing a different-ness to her, something not quite right on age, regression, our doctor had her seen by a developmental pediatrician.  Emmeline has been diagnosed with PDD-NOS (pervasive developmental disorder-not otherwise specified), a disorder on the autism spectrum.  My heart hurts, but it is alright.  Emmeline is still beautiful Emmeline.  She is still the same spirit in the same little body.  I ache with both tears and smiles.  Things that make her unique also make her different.  She adores Dora; she hates loud noises.  Her words are only phrases she has learned; she knows all her abc's and has a large repretoire of songs she sings.  She loves her babies; you have to work hard for her love.  She has meltdowns with change; she has a special animal growl (ok, it does sound a little like a dying animal) that means "tickle me".  She is wonderful and a wonderfully large challenge.  I am up to the task, but I am scared.  Scared of all the what-ifs.  I am struggling with parenting my children.  I am floundering all of the time.  Daily living seems to be kicking my tail.  I had grandiose plans of preparing my children for their missions...I am working on keeping them alive and sane.  

Okay, I know the Lord is here for me.  I know if I am struggling, then I have been the one to draw away from the Lord, not the other way around.  Things will get better, they always do.  I have shoulders to cry on, hands to hold, and angels to bear me up.  My burden is light.  I am thankful for the burdens I have.  I know I can handle the ones I have, and I am lucky.