Grey Skies

The clouds hung low and grey all day today.  I was peppy this morning, getting up and working hard to be cheerful and get the beasties doing all of their (and my) chores.  I was happy thinking of Kit making it alive through the night long relay race he played a part of despite his toe issues.  He rode safety on a bicycle beside the runners.  He checked in at almost 60 1/2 miles (a major wahoo!!  for my sweetie; he is always amazing me!).  He made it home and took a short hour nap before taking all the kids with him to the official finish line to cheer on the last runner.  I should have been praising the heavens for an afternoon child-less.  They are seriously few and far in-between...but...I wasn't very excited.  I had a rough night with my daughter.  She woke up two different times last night and we ended up sleeping on the couch downstairs (in fact, I woke to realize we were downstairs and all 3 of the beasts were in my bed).  That is just an itty-bitty reason.  The real reason, despite my adoration of our friends Frank and Jen, was it was a Pampered Chef party.  With people I didn't know.  What's the prob with that??  It is a perfect storm for my anxiety to swell.  I hate parties where I know the desire/intent is to sell things...uggh!!  The pressure, even though it isn't really there...is there.  Lurking.  Secondly, chillin' with chicks I don't know is blehhh, blehh, blehh!  I love chatting, visiting, teasing, laughing, EVERYTHING...with girls I know.  I freeze up with unknowns.  I fret whether I might somehow offend them, I don't know...I just worry.  Sigh.

But, I went, and I tried to have fun.  I did.  Then I didn't.  I think the grey just got to me.  

A little girl, barely 2 years old and named Aubrey Lynn, came to the party with her mama.  She was dainty, darling.  I talked and played with her like I did the two  6 year old Dylans also at the party.  The problem was, I compared her to Emmeline.  I compared everything.  And I got sad.

I have not had too difficult a time with Em's diagnosis.  Emme is just Emme.  I mean, I worry a lot of the practical things-how to get her enrolled in the training, going gluten free, etc.  I worry about how I interact with her to make it be for the best benefit for her, but I didn't really, really have a difficult time.  Today I cried.  I got in the car when Kit and the kids picked me up and I cried.  Hard.  There was just so much about little Aubrey that was like Em.  Her big brown eyes, the color and length of hair, her cute little jeans.  She was like Emmeline...but not.  Little Aubrey came right up to me and asked me to hold her (she was quite a people-comfy gal).  She then asked for bites of my food, asked me what everything was, and chatted her way through the afternoon.  Was she cute?  Darling.  Of course Emme is cuter! ;)  What got to me is I compared.  I spend almost all day, every day with my baby girl.  I forget how typical 2 1/2 year old children act.  I forget how grown up they can seem.  I forget their conversation skills, their mannerisms.  Being around someone so like Emmeline and so different...

So, what have I learned once I dried the tears?  I learned not to compare.  Because, for sure, the Lord gave me the best little girl He had for our family.  She is one-in-a-kazillion.  The truth is Emmeline Lili is incomparable.   

Procrastination

Today I almost peed my pants.  Really.  Sweat beaded on my upper lip, I was hurrying practically running to the back, the very back of Michaels. I'm glad I had the forethought to grab a cart, or Emme would have been thrown over my shoulder like a bag of rice.  It was bad, folks.  So bad I wanted to grab myself like I did when I was little (ya'll know you did it, too).  I thought I just might not make it and have a little ginormous puddle of yellow tinged liquid about my toes.

I made it...although the last five steps were made with clenched thighs.

How can a grown girl of 31 almost not make it to the porcelain throne?  I am a habitual procrastinator.  Now, I don't procrastinate big things.  No, I pay the bills on time, I plan church lessons, and buy birthday gifts/cards on time.  In fact, I'm often early!  No, no, I just procrastinate little things like the niggling of a full bladder.  I procrastinate the quick run to the post office-leaving the gifts and cards languishing unsent on my counter.  I often receive quick thoughts to send a card or a give a call to check on a friend, but they pass just as quickly, momentarily unheeded by my procrastinating self.  I wonder what good I could accomplish if I would slow down (or speed up) to pay attention to such thoughts, trips to the post, and taking the time to run to the loo.


I definitely wouldn't have written this post 3 days after the experience! ;)

Knowledge

Tonight YW's was a personal progress activity.  We reviewed scriptures on knowledge, wisdom and how they apply to temporal living and our spirituality.  It got me thinking...I love information.  I adore knowing and learning, but I don't always take the effort to seek out ways to learn.  My favorite venue of learning is at someone's proverbial knee-my father's, father-in-law's, bishop's, or college professors'-I want them to shed their light, knowledge, down to me.  I love someone teaching me.  I have begun to appreciate and seek out learning via books.  I have always adored fictional literature, but seeing how I can't quite make it back (*yet*I will make it back, when the timing is right) into a classroom setting, I have also learned to enjoy and appreciate all the information to be had from non-fiction books.  I have gleaned knowledge regarding everything from gardening to autism, cholera to Marie Antoinette.  In reading the scriptures regarding seeking out the best books, learning, I understand.  Do I think my love for fiction is wrong?  No.  But, I have found I can truly expand my mind and use it for purposes other than entertainment when I read.

Another point I appreciated from the scriptures was the difference between wisdom and knowledge.  I person can be a scriptorian, but unless they practice the faith and precepts found in the scriptures, they are not truly wise in the scriptures.  It got me thinking...am I wise in the knowledge/info I teach my children?  You know, practice what I preach, etc.  If I want them to internalize and see the wisdom of the teachings of the gospel, I need to work with them practicing the meaning and intent of the gospel.  Knowledge is information; wisdom is knowing how and when to apply the information to our lives.

Definitely something for me to think on...

A Hero

Today is just a quick thought...I have been thinking a lot about my husband, Kit.  He is an example to me.  I have been down on myself about my lack of determination to follow through with watching my food intake and exercise output.  I want to...I just want to allow myself to not worry about it as well... ;) Then there is my husband.  For those who didn't know him pre-coast guard, they wouldn't believe he shunned exercise and couldn't stand the thought of watching what he eats.  Kit has made and is trying to make being healthy his hobby.  This is a very difficult thing for someone who doesn't like to work to be healthy (I know, it's me, right!).  He has been and is an inspiration to me to me in his waking up early (he would regularly sleep til one if he could), chugging away at his exercise of choice, and helping me plan meals that are healthy and hopefully yummy.  I know I lift him up in other areas of our life, but this is one where he carries me.  I am thankful for his heroism of healthiness.

If you want to follow his determination to get healthy and help cheer him on, you can find him here.

I love you, babe!