Friday, June 3, 2011

Poop

Those of you who are determined to stay clean-minded, read no further.


I, too, had the desire. However, motherhood has wiped that wish right away. You see, life as a parent is full of poop. It comes in so many forms: little mustard seed poop from breast-fed babies, nasty "what in the world did he eat" diapers, little rose-bud mouths blurting out "Poop" in the middle of church, panicked shouts of "I have to go poopy, NOW!". I can't forget dirtied underwear from potty-training, jokes featuring bowel-movements and sounds, and tales of scraping out you-know-what from beneath a daughter's fingernails.

The thing is, I don't like poop. I don't even find it at all humorous. Bathroom jokes are lost on me; when my children blurt out inappropriate "potty" words just for the fun of it, they are sent to sit in the bathroom. I would like to forget that anyone even has a need for toilets. So, why a post on poop? Well, I am SICK of it! Maybe if I air out all of my grievances, they will be alleviated. It seems that poop has been one of my plagues in mother-ness!

I would have to claim my oldest set the course, with splattering yellow substance all over my white shirt minutes prior to our leaving for church, and it has been downhill from there. You see, it seems Josiah has some kind of bowel issue. We have been seeing a GI specialist for awhile now, in the attempt to figure out what is going on. Poor boy, I am truly sorry for him. It isn't easy to have to freeze, clench your bottom, wait a second to get control, then run straight for the bathroom. We probably should have recognized there was an issue when as a 3 year old we were visiting OSU campus feeding ducks at Theta Pond, Jos told us he needed to go to the bathroom. Immediately handing the bread over to Auntie Steph, he and I hightailed it across the park to the nearest building...too far away. As we walked/ran, I became aware of little plops occurring in time with wails from Jos (being so scrawny, things simply fell out of his not-so-tightie-whities and shorts). Yep, my son's poop was spotting the sidewalk.

Since then, mother-hood has hurled all kinds of poop at me. I. Am. Tired. Of. It. This past month has given me waaaay too much interaction with the substance. Gavin had weeks of upset stomach and digestive tract. The doctor ordered a stool sample. Yep, the collector was me. Unfortunately, I had to sacrifice a small Tupperware for the collection. There was NO way I was holding that little cup under my son's rear. The nurse neglected to give me a collection hat. Lovely.

A few days later I took the kiddies with me to Chik-Filet for family night with some friends. Emme decided to dirty her diaper. I had decided to be a neglectful mother and not pack diapers. I carried her out to the car on my hip...hmmm, after buckling her in I realized I still smelled poop. Huh, two lovely sh-mears of brown substance gleamed against my white shirt. Obviously a visit to Target was out. No getting out of a run to Wal-mart, though. I needed to pick up a laxative and intensive bowel cleanser for Josiah per doc's orders (am I seeing a pattern here?). I slipped my brown sling on (anyone noticing brown with think they just caught a glimpse of a piece of the sling, right?) and squished stinky bum into it. I would like to claim that was the end of the embarrassments due me, but it wasn't. Emme went on to pee down my leg into my shoe (did you know full diapers simply can't hold ANY more?) and left a lovely puddle on the floor. A little old lady was tottering around and I had images of her slipping in my daughter's pee puddle, falling and breaking a hip. As serenely as I could around teeth clenched in mortification (Josiah in the background bellowing "Stand back everyone, this is my little sister's pee!"), I begged paper towels from the pharmacist and swiped it up. I think I set the record on self-checkout that evening.

The following Monday I set off to pick up flowers to plant. We tackled Home Depot and just as we are checking out in the outside garden center, Gunnison tells me he needs to go to the bathroom. Since he has been potty-trained, I have realized Gunner can wait a bit before the needs become accidents. So, I ask if he can wait until we get across the street to Lowes. He agrees and we set off. We enter in the front garden center and start looking at the clearance racks of flowers. Gunner and Gavin start playing spies and dart in and out of the surrounding shelves. I ask Gun if he was still ok. "Yep!" Keeping one eye on them and the other on the fabulous finds for 75% off!!, I fill up my cart and call for the boys to head with me inside. From across the aisle comes the wail, "Oh! I've got to go poopy, now!!" Oh no, I should have seen this coming. Spy wars only distract until the need becomes incessant. At a near run, we take off for the restrooms-that are far across the store and in the back. Of course. As we rush, I notice a wafting smell reaching my nose. Poor little Gunner starts to cry. Those underwear went right into the garbage, wrapped up in a bazillion paper towels. Thank heavens I remembered wet-wipes.

Poop is so un-kosher. Who likes to show up at playgroup and start a conversation with, "You should have seen the bm my son made today. Doc is having us keep track of when, how much and description!" Uh, no. Poop is the lurking monster under the bed. We can laugh about it every now and then, but how many fearful mommies out there have just thrown the underwear away to be rid of it? Who else is tired of doing laundry with a faint aroma of a not-so-pleasant truck stop?

Poop. I'm tired of it.


13 comments:

Kara and Theo said...

Oh. my. gosh. I can totally relate! Emma is my bm problem child. She HAS to take Miralax everyday or else she just holds it in and then it oozes out in her underwear ALL DAY LONG! She actually lost the sensation of when she has to poop and that is why she was having so much poop issues. It is a regular occurrence to wash all of her panties and shorts in one day. I haven't had to do the stool sample, but she has really made it difficult on me. She held in her poop for over a week and then after getting her on the Miralax it started to clean her out...while she was at the dinner table. I let her sit at the table without any pants or underwear, because she had soiled all of them and I hoped this would encourage her to sit on the toilet. That was my big mistake. At least we were at home, but that girl literally grew a tail. No lie, the poop was so thick and long it really looked like a tail. She is going on 5 and I still don't know how to get her to make pooping a priority. So I definitely feel your pain. Good luck to you, I'll keep you in my prayers! =)

Jenny said...

Oh my gosh! I am laughing so hard right now but want to reach out and give you a hug all at the same time! That just really sucks! Digestive issues are just nasty, no fun. My husband gets super sick a lot and I always feel so bad for him... it's embarrassing and gross and just plan suckerific. I hated being peed on, pooped on, smelling like poop... just today Pearl pooped on the bathroom floor just because. What the heck is up with that? I detest still wiping her butt! Maybe when you're old you can get back at them and make them clean up your poop!

Jill said...

You are not alone. Poop is what my life revolves around in regards to Keith. He has to take miralax everyday to move his bowels because of his hypotonic cerebral palsy. Then every evening I have to give him 3 suppositories and have him sit on the potty. Fun times. You are nt alone.

Steph said...

Ohhh, poor Lib. I'm with Jenny, I am laughing out loud and then on the other hand I just want to give you a hug and tell you this whole thing can't possibly last forever! As often as I've heard those poopy stories they seriously still make me laugh so hard!! As I've said a billion times, motherhood makes you dive headfirst into the grossest, most embarrassing, lowest of the low situations. If anyone would have told me some of the struggles I might have to deal with I'm not sure I'd have signed on the dotted line. But, then again they aaaarrrre pretty darn cute... Also, they teach us so many things especially the things we need to learn the most....so, that brings up and interesting point. What are you needing to learn about poopy?? Hee, hee-- I'm sorry....I just couldn't resist. I love you--all of you---you and your poopy miesters.

Lively Luckinbills said...

I am so sorry! I can honestly say that I have not had it as bad as what you have described and I am SO grateful. My girls just take forever in the bathroom, but I will count my blessings from now on!

Jennifer and Enoch Jones said...

Lib, I LOVE reading your posts! You crack me up! I hate poop too, but for the oposite reason you do... I have to give Audrey Miralax every day (sometimes twice a day) otherwise she doesn't go, and she screams bloody murder trying to get it out. Occasionally I have to give her some meds that make her go almost instantly, and, well... lets just say she needs a bath imediatly and heaven forbid if she's sitting when it comes out. We were at walmart when I discovered this... we did not have a change of clothes, or my sling, so she sat in the cart in a jacket and diaper. Then last sunday, Enoch stuck her in the car to go to church when he discovered she had gone all over the place... car seat, her dress, him, everywhere. luckily we were still at home to fix the problem! Eew!!!

Jennifer and Enoch Jones said...

Lib, I LOVE reading your posts! You crack me up! I hate poop too, but for the oposite reason you do... I have to give Audrey Miralax every day (sometimes twice a day) otherwise she doesn't go, and she screams bloody murder trying to get it out. Occasionally I have to give her some meds that make her go almost instantly, and, well... lets just say she needs a bath imediatly and heaven forbid if she's sitting when it comes out. We were at walmart when I discovered this... we did not have a change of clothes, or my sling, so she sat in the cart in a jacket and diaper. Then last sunday, Enoch stuck her in the car to go to church when he discovered she had gone all over the place... car seat, her dress, him, everywhere. luckily we were still at home to fix the problem! Eew!!!

Jennifer and Enoch Jones said...

Lib, I LOVE reading your posts! You crack me up! I hate poop too, but for the oposite reason you do... I have to give Audrey Miralax every day (sometimes twice a day) otherwise she doesn't go, and she screams bloody murder trying to get it out. Occasionally I have to give her some meds that make her go almost instantly, and, well... lets just say she needs a bath imediatly and heaven forbid if she's sitting when it comes out. We were at walmart when I discovered this... we did not have a change of clothes, or my sling, so she sat in the cart in a jacket and diaper. Then last sunday, Enoch stuck her in the car to go to church when he discovered she had gone all over the place... car seat, her dress, him, everywhere. luckily we were still at home to fix the problem! Eew!!!

Jules said...

Lib, you are such a funny girl! This was utterly hilarious! Poop is not something I miss cleaning up at all. The coolest thing I ever found in poop was a gold bead, in Cicily's diaper. We couldn't figure out how it got there. Anyway, keep up the great sense of humor!

whitney said...

Oh Lib! Mom and I laughed so hard reading your post but I feel so bad too. Poop sucks (I'm with you on the anti-potty humor) in any form. Every mother I know has way to many nightmarish memories of it (Georgia and the many, many poop paintings *shudder*) but I'm pretty sure you take the cake...not that that's a cake anyone every wants to take :P

(((hugs!)))

holyoak said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
holyoak said...

My dear one, this is a funny poop post! In the spirit of one-ups-manship, shall I give you a little perspective? From one who literally is up to his shoulder in one form of poop or another on an almost daily basis now let me tell you about poop. : ) I have had it swatted in my hair, my ears, so thick in my eyes (mingled with sand) that I had to have Cole Evens wash it out with syringes full of Ringer's solution (finally got it all washed out along with my contacts). I've even had it swatted in my...I guess I'll stop there with the urge to spit.
Am I being potty mouthed...? ;)

I can agree with you that it stinks! Especially dairy cows'. The only other poop that is worse than human (in my opinion) would be dog and pig poop. Now horse poop, not so bad, as far as poop goes. ;)

But, I am sure all of that doesn't take the stink out of your situation. Sure do love you and feel for your trials. You know life can just be poopy sometimes... or should I say this too shall pass...!!

Aubrey said...

Ugh - all I have to say. Just ugh. Poor, poor you. Unfortunately I married someone who likes to discuss poop and consistency thereof, I really should make him change more poopy diapers...