Monday, September 19, 2011

The Act of Becoming

-Warning- This post is just my rambling thoughts. No cute pictures of the beasties or beastette-

From the time we are little we are questioned what we want to be when we grow up. In fact, my two oldest boys were recently asked this question in school. Their answers made me smile as they fit their personalities to a "T". Josiah wants to be a scientist, a researcher and Gavin wants to be a ninja-veterinarian (he does not feel these professions need to be exclusive). I always knew I wanted to be a mother, a wife, a sister, a friend and a good daughter. In seeing myself in these roles I sometimes wonder how I got here. How did I end up being 30 years old, caretaker of 4 children-of course having the body to prove I have given birth to said 4 children, wife to my husband and minder of all things pertaining to my household and family? I know there were choices that led me here...before meeting my future sweetie I had decided to move to OK and attend OSU, after being married we ended up surprised with number 1, praying about number 2, being surprised by number 3 and knowing there needed to be a 4th. We moved here and there, but always keeping in touch with our family. These decisions have all helped shape my life, shaped me.

I hadn't really thought about this much, but the realization struck me when given a blessing by my husband. The words in the blessing from my Heavenly Father were a phrase out of my patriarchal blessing. In that moment, I knew I had become something the Lord intended for me from the start. It was a peaceful feeling to know I made it to the right place at the right time of my life. So, the tired gears in my mind have been going for the last couple of weeks. Chugging along at a depressingly slow rate, let me tell you...but I have noticed a feeling of recognition when I have come across things that have made me...ME. Loving to be around children, the desire to learn more more more, the protectiveness for anyone I feel maternal about (whether it is my beasties, my friends' children, my little brothers or the most darling, fabulous, cute co-worker of my husband) and the urge to armor up my little warriors for the battles of life are a few things that make me who I am. These traits are in part innate and in part learned. But, I struggle every day, EVERY DAY to be a better, nicer person. It's hard!! The struggle often ends in defeat with me in the corner furiously sipping on a CFDCw/VC (caffeine free diet coke with vanilla and cherry added- for those of you who don't know my addiction) to help me feel better about myself and my failures. The thing is, I am my worst critic. My harshest point of view is directed at myself. Do I fail? Oh, so often it hurts! But, I get back up. I keep struggling to be better. That is the conclusion all my muddled thinking has resulted in-the getting up, the trudging along, the bumps, bruises and scars are all the act of becoming who we should be. I am in the act of becoming.

7 comments:

Jill said...

Fabulous post. I like who you are becoming. I am glad we are friends. :)

Annie said...

Such great thoughts! Makes me think of the quote that says something like, "Our greatest glory is not in never failing, but in rising every time we fall." Keep going!

whitney said...

Who needs pictures when we have such a feast of a post? :)

I love your sentiment of looking around and realize that not only are we becoming, but in so many ways we have become.

As for the rough days when the becoming is a bit more then painful...I vote we go share a CFDCw/VC together. On second thought, we should probably get our own since the only one who drinks slow enough to share with is Steph ;)

love you.

Steph said...

Hee, hee!! I know this is a serious post, and I will get to it, but I'm laughing out-loud right now at the "slowly, sipping, Steph" comment. I was actually drinking a drink today and looked down and was surprised how much I had left. I knew I had been drinking it often, and for awhile, but was still surprised...it made me think of you two and your slowly sipping comments...and then low and behold, my thoughts on blogger. :)
As for the post, I agree with Jill, I like who you are becoming and have become. You are a beautiful mother to four of the cutest, most loved, children. You are a dear wife and balancer of all things related to the house. You are amazing. Sure, we all have your down and even lower than that days, but then we resurface and are buoyed up by family, children, loved ones. We are reminded that motherhood is a sacred calling and all things pertaining to that are sacred as well...who thought that potty training is sacred...but in a way, I think it is. It's helping shape, mold and nurture our Father's children. Sometimes (okay, often for me) I forget the whole picture and get bogged down with the today's and tomorrow's problems and stumble on the mole hill when I should be looking way beyond the small (in the scheme of things) bump in the road. Now, I'm just rambling...sorry. Anyway, to sum it up...you're wonderful!! There is no question in my mind that you are shaping and "becoming" what Heavenly Father wants you to be beautifully. Love you!!

Charee B Mcclellan said...

You are my hero! You have said this perfectly! I am the same way. I love you so much for coming out and saying it all. you are great and you are becoming a GREAT gal! I wanna be there right with ya. Yes i do!

Jenny said...

I think all women are their worst critics. You have always been and still are amazing! And I still sit in awe thinking we are actually the "old" people now! Even though we made all these choices, it's weird to think it's now our turn to be the adults! I so wish you lived closer to me!!!

holyoak said...

Mom read this to me on her phone last night as we were coming back from a temple session and cleaning assignment. I am not sure when I made that crossover realization, but it is a very interesting paradigm shift. It is sweet and sobering all at the same time.

You and Jenny are right, most women are often their own most severe critic. Too often they compare their weaknesses against someone who has that particular feature as a strength, yet fail to keep the other person's shortcomings in the perspective. Many also discount their own strengths saying, if I can do it, then anyone can. If taken too far it can be a cause of much anxiety and / or depression. So to you sweet women who follow these blogs, remember you are way better than you give yourself credit for. You have not lost unless you fail to get back up and try again. We all at times will fall, yet winning is no more than this, to rise each time you fall...

Sure do love you Lib!