Monday, May 17, 2010

A Tale Not for the Faint of Heart

Not so long ago in a land called Liberty's Rental Home (better known as Land of Old-Not-Energy-Efficient-Due-to-Cracks-and-Crevices-Around-You-Name-it), a beautiful, svelte warrior girl (it's just a TALE, remember and I can't stand the word woman)lived. She was a bit worn out from all the battles fought this past month. Her assistant, a dashingly handsome, strong assistant, had been off-duty during the day so that he might battle an evil oil spill, threatening the welfare of the town's folk, by night. This left the girl to face and win many battles on her own: the Fecal Prince, leaving his mark every where he went, the Trash Mouth, who slung barbed insults like stones and Nebulous Noise, who crept here, there, everywhere wearing down the girl with its loud, yet sneaky maneuvers.

Just when she had conquered her foes and thought to relax, her assistant was called away again. This time, he was needed in far-away Virginia, to complete the deed of Closing on the House. And so the warrior girl was left to herself. This tale is not of her battle with Car Quitting on a Hill in Torrential Rain. No, it is of a more devious, yet smaller, enemy come to prey: Little Winged Insects.

On a cloudy, humid night after a couple days of rain, little winged termites come out to play around town. They form swarms of moving, wiggling insects, creeping, crawling over everything they come in contact with. These things are drawn to light and will find any way to get there. The tired warrior girl had just finished painting a dresser (a fabulous shade of black) and sent her young beasties off to bed after a quick FHE (natives were too restless). She had her little beastette hanging on as she puttered around the house putting away laundry and picking up random toys. As she moved around the house, she noticed a couple of insects flying around the dining room light. Hmmm. When she walked into the kitchen, there were a few more around that light. She brushed away an errant hair and noticed it wasn't a stray curl, but a winged enemy flitting around her head. Arrggh! Moving speedily into the living room, she saw movement all over the couch, wall, chair...everywhere! The enemy was infiltrating her fortress (ramshackle as it was) and moving in quickly. This meant war! Brushing away tears of frustration, the brave warrior pulled out her trusty Dyson, small yet powerful, and went to battle. Every click of the hose as the insects were sucked in, brought a frown of disgust to her face. Uggh, but she was determined to win. In a lull of movement and after a hasty call to her assistant, who proved useful with a little advice after chortling way too much, the girl taped around the windows and pushed rugs against the doors. Click, click, click. She was sucking the winged insects as they flew through the air. Cleaning the enemy off of the stove, around the baseboards, from the furniture, the end was in sight. Ahhh...lights off, a lamp on to help draw them in and she was able to pick off the stragglers as they flew. Another battle won, the only injuries the heebie-jeebie goosebumps and a lingering feeling of bugs crawling on her...

The warrior girl is tired...she needs a break.

13 comments:

Jill said...

Love the style in which you wrote this post!

Hate the thought of termites! Gross!

(((HUGS))) to the warrior girl!

Jason Jordan said...

Hate to hear things keep going from bad to worse. =/ You take everything so well.. This was a cool story and a wonderful way to look at such an event. Maybe when it's time to mow the lawn or clean the bathroom I'll turn it into a book and have some fun with it. Let me know if we can help in any way. and yes.. we too have had our battle with the winged beasts.. though we didn't have half as much fun as you did.

Jason

whitney said...

ick! ick! ick! This was definitely NOT the post to be reading while eating lunch. You poor girl! My skin is just crawling! ewwwww!

Jeff, Jenny and Pearl said...

This is why we don't live in the South! Hang in there Liberty! You amaze me that you can be such a good mommy and wife with four kids and a husband who has been working crazy hours!

holyoak said...

Excellently sad and funny! Interesting enough, I had a swarm hit the dorm room while I was in St. Kitts. I couldn't believe how they were coming in through every crack. I had only a hand towel to squish them, but boy I had piles of little dead enemies. Amazing things when they swarm like that. I have wondered how many skipped coming all the way through and stayed somewhere in the walls of the dorm...

Sure love you my dear, hang in there. Your knightly assistant will return.

Andrea said...

Girl!!! I know exactly how you feel. I blogged about this same thing a few years ago. When we first moved into our house they swarmed us. I was in pure disgust and tears! Still brings shivers to me at the thought! Sooo sorry for you. The funny thing is the missionaries were at our house for dinner a few weeks ago and Mike spotted the termites out as they were leaving. He put sheets up over the doors and we have been living life at night with very little light until termite season is over. Funny, but true. I guess Mike does not want to experience me screaming, crying and on the verge of throwing up over those things. You are a true Princess Warrior in my book! I think you need another break too. :)

Aubrey said...

Yuck - I hate bugs. You are so brave taking care of that, I think I would have been seriously tempted to pack up the kids and stay in a hotel until my brave assistant got home to do the dirty work.

I just love your posts and writing style.

Heidi said...

sooo sorry...but DANG you're a awesome writer!

Maria said...

EEEEEEK! You don't need just a break - you need to be knighted!

Good golly now I have the heeby-jeebies! lol

Anna said...

How funny! I just posted a similar story...not as creatively though. I'm proud of your bravery and terminator skills. Dyson is known for its superior craftsmanship--good choice of weapon.

Supercilious and Pulchritudinous, Reminds Me of Me said...

I'd have suggested something like imidacloprid or some other neurotoxin commonly used in termiticides...but hey, who am I to argue with the impressive destructive powers of the Dyson. I am a fan of "overkill," after all.

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