Wednesday, August 29, 2012

In My Mind

Ok, so I slid off the journaling wagon...I can do this, I can do this.  I do want to record things for posterity, I just don't know exactly how/where to do it.  I want to share the things in my mind, but I don't know if I want people to read them.  My mind is a little weird, I tell ya!  I don't always feel up and up and there are so many struggles, just like everyone else has. I'm not sure I want to add more to the world.  But, I'm not necessarily writing for the public.  I think I'm just writing to write in a journal right now.  We'll see if it sticks around after YW and hopefully it will.  I need to relieve my burden of guilt (I told you weird mind) to all the un-named few and tell you this blog probably isn't entertaining.  It might be simply up and  down as I am.

So, now to my inner crazy...

Things have been well these last days before school officially starts.  Crazy that it doesn't start around here until after Labor Day.  My boys have become quite bored-complaining there is nothing to do, yet they are furiously riding their bikes (and furiously is a good descriptive for the way they ride), staring fixedly at the TV screen playing video games, popping popcorn and watching movies like this is the last summer of their lives.

Money has been tight, like it often is, but I have tried to make this last part of summer fun.  We've played games, made treats and lazed around.  I feel guilty we haven't done more.  Maybe if I learned to budget money a little better, we'd have a little more to burn. ;)

We have been making inroads into the help we need to get for Emmeline.  It is a slow process with a lot of forms, signatures and evaluations.  I am SO thankful, though, that we are in the military.  Despite having poverty level salary (no joke) we have the blessing of all the medical help we need for our family.  I can't imagine trying to do this on our own without it.  Emmeline has been showing some improvements with her communication.  I am jumping for joy with her self-manufactured phrases of "I want".  Unfortunately her demands usually fall along the lines of cookies, but I'm still excited.  Another form of communication she has recently acquired is her tugs.  She has started pulling me from a room if she wants something not in there or just hanging on my legs if she wants me to hold her.  This is an improvement to crying or using her rote phrases.  The downside to her learning more communication is she turns to more self-stimulating to help her cope.  Typical behavior for ASD.  She has started hand waving/flapping, throwing more tantrums, and using her peripheral vision to look at people and objects.  I am excited to learn how and what to do to help Em to continue to progress.

I have been dealing with all of these changes in my settled life by reading up on it.  It is interesting to read on the theories of causes, therapies and behavioral challenges.  I have learned to be so thankful for the level Emmeline is at.  She is high-functioning and my heart aches for the parents, family and friends of those who deal with much lower-functioning autism.  I am encouraged by the research and the progress made towards helping children with ASD.  It is amazing how much good can be done with the speech and behavior therapies.   Another stressor for me, however, is letting go of the guilt of not doing enough.  I feel guilt about her diet, guilt about how engaged/not engaged I am, guilt about being a hand in her having ASD.  There are so many theories, so many techniques to try.  I'm never doing quite enough.  Uggh!!!  I need to rid myself of the burden of guilt!!  I swear I go through life with this big ol' bag of things I perceive to have been my fault.  I get rid of one thing and I just throw seven more up on the pile.  Aw well...I'm workin' on it.

On another note, I am dealing with a mustachioed man.  Yes, Kit has decided to grow a mustache.  No, I have no hand in this.  In fact, it is well advertised (thankfully! I wouldn't want people thinking I liked it!) by my husband how I dislike the fur sitting under his nose.  I have kept my opinion mostly to hopes he won't act like typical Kit (there are those who understand what I mean) and take my deliberately keep it to bug me.  Maybe this hairy phase will only last a few more weeks until his class leaves.  Grrrrr.  What kills me is he is getting both positive and negative attention!  Seriously!!  He has had a few COMPLIMENTS from a couple of higher-ups at work!  Craziness!!  He also has friends fueling him with negative attention...he is now known as "Porn Stache" in jujitsu.  Blehhhh!  But, I will say what I said to him.  I love him.  I will always love him...despite the animal attached to his upper lip.

Alright, I opened the flood gates on my crazy mind...I will reign it in now.  Until later...


holyoak said...

What a wonderful set of insights my dear one! I am greatly impressed. Keep your chin up and as Steph's assigned ring tone would say, "Don't worry, be happy"!

Kara and Theo said...

I should introduce you to a dear friend and fellow Coastie wife of mine who has a high functioning Autistic son. She has done so many great things for her son that you couldn't even tell he was Autistic. She is so helpful and would love for you to pick her brain, and don't let the guilt way you down. There are so many reasons, it's hard to pinpoint what happened, that's not your fault.
I really feel bad for you that Kit has grown a mustache! HA! Theo tried that on me, you are a lot more supportive than I am. I told him if he doesn't shave then neither do I! He shaved it pretty quickly after I told him that. LOL!

The DeVito's said...

I'm sure you've received tons of advice, but have you looked into putting her on a gluten free diet? Jenny (crap I can't remember her last name - famous lady with son, Ethan who is autistic, dated Jim Carey) has done a book about it and since I've been gluten free I've ready a lot of research about it as well. Keep your chin up! You are a great mom!

Andrea said...

Liberty, this post reminds me why I love and admire you so much! You are honest and sincere and I can so relate (even though, I have no boys...only two girls). I struggle with constant phases of guilt that pulls me so far down that it often leads me into a state of depression, and has effected my testimony at times. I struggle to remember when I feel like that, it is coming from Satan. You are a WONDERFUL mother, friend, sister and most of all daughter of God. Seriously, you are someone I have admired and I miss not being able to see your sweet self at church. You were always a ray of sunshine, and my kiddos LOVED you in Primary too.
I'm sorry to read about Emme, but she could not have a better mother than you to help her. I know that with every part of my being! She is as lucky to have you as you are to her. I'm glad I decided to pop onto the blog after being away for so long. Thank you for sharing yourself. I never find you boring, and trust me, my mind is much weirder. lol.
As for the mustache---YUCK! I'm so with you on that. Mike tried to grow a goatee once...we realized that he is not one that grows goatees quick! lol..I threatened him that if he did not shave, I WOULD shave him even if I had to tie him up while sleeping lol. Luckily, he shaved it off.
Hugs to you and your sweet family!

Ashlee said...

Oh are never boring! I love to read your blog, becuase it is so real AND uplifting. You are honest in what you are struggling and inspire me with your faith and trust in the Lord. There are several peoples' blogs that i read and I think, "really, your life is REALLY like that!"

But one thing I wish I could give you, and that would be a glimps of yourself through MY eyes! You would see a beautiful, funny, amazing, rightous women, who loves her family and who is teaching them the gospel! You are a wonderful mother, wife, and sister! I love and respect you!

Haylee Munk Brown said...

You're amazing Liberty! And don't forget it!

whitney said...

HOW did I forget to comment on this post!?! I read it aaaages ago.

Anyway, tell Kit the porn stache must go if he wants any business time.

You know I'm absolutely here for you any time you need a listening ear for all things ASD and chillun'-related (or for any other reason, obviously ;)

Finally...let go of the guilt, libby. You're doing the best you can and that's all that anyone asks of you. (((hugs)))