Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Long Time...No Post

I have never been very good at journaling.  Not 20 years ago, not a year ago, not now.  However, having been recently called as the YW pres and having a strong belief that if I ask the girls to do something, I should be willing to do it too...I have decided to push through my lack of ambition and journal.  I find I am even worse (gasp) at writing things down on paper than I am typing, so here is where I'll spill my guts.  

I stopped writing due to overwhelming personal negativity.  I have been too stressed to feel perky, funny, clever in any arena in my life, so the blog was one of the first things to go.  Don't expect this blog to be fab.  If you want fabbity-fab cleverness, check out Whit's blog.  If you want stunning pictures of darling children, check out Steph's blog.  If you want to know the inner craziness of my mind...well, don't say I never warned you...keep reading.

Liberty, negative?!  Uh, I know you're not surprised.  Despite being a glass full kinda gal toward the rest of the world, my view of myself and my capabilities are on the "glass is dry as a bone" level.  It is one of my own exhibits of anxiety, but it slowly starts to erode my ability to fulfill even my lowest potential.  I have found when that begins to happen, our loving Heavenly Father steps in and hands me a job to do.  The kind of job that requires my blinders to be shed and my mind and activities turned to others.  Hmmm, maybe one of these days I'll learn my lesson.  I am excited and terrified of my new calling.  Thank heavens the Lord never expected me to tackle it on my own.  

Other issues on my mind are my darling children.  I love my beasties and I am so, so very thankful I have the opportunity to be a mother.  BUT, I am so overwhelmed right now.  My older boys are dealing with anxiety (thankfully manageable with their medication) and ADHD.  We haven't decided to medicate for it yet, but sometimes I don't know if I can handle them un-medicated.  Gunnison is well, Gunnison.  As his adoring auntie labeled him, he's one "loose cannon".  He is the sweetest, most loving, exasperating child.  He is one big warrior spirit in one tiny, wiggly body.  I throw my hands up on him.  I need to help guide him, but I don't know how.  He is not my older boys.  He is his very own person and I'm not sure how to move around his stubbornness.  He will pray when he chooses to pray.  If forced to say his nighttime prayers, he will resort to demon-voice praying, coughing after each word, or simply pretending to be asleep (with snores and snuffling sound affects).  He is so funny and so...stressing.  

And then there's Emmeline.  My beautiful, beautiful Emme.  Oh, how I love her.  She is such a special part in our family.  She is our last.  She is our sweet daughter.  After noticing a different-ness to her, something not quite right on age, regression, our doctor had her seen by a developmental pediatrician.  Emmeline has been diagnosed with PDD-NOS (pervasive developmental disorder-not otherwise specified), a disorder on the autism spectrum.  My heart hurts, but it is alright.  Emmeline is still beautiful Emmeline.  She is still the same spirit in the same little body.  I ache with both tears and smiles.  Things that make her unique also make her different.  She adores Dora; she hates loud noises.  Her words are only phrases she has learned; she knows all her abc's and has a large repretoire of songs she sings.  She loves her babies; you have to work hard for her love.  She has meltdowns with change; she has a special animal growl (ok, it does sound a little like a dying animal) that means "tickle me".  She is wonderful and a wonderfully large challenge.  I am up to the task, but I am scared.  Scared of all the what-ifs.  I am struggling with parenting my children.  I am floundering all of the time.  Daily living seems to be kicking my tail.  I had grandiose plans of preparing my children for their missions...I am working on keeping them alive and sane.  

Okay, I know the Lord is here for me.  I know if I am struggling, then I have been the one to draw away from the Lord, not the other way around.  Things will get better, they always do.  I have shoulders to cry on, hands to hold, and angels to bear me up.  My burden is light.  I am thankful for the burdens I have.  I know I can handle the ones I have, and I am lucky.


Coty said...

Oh Liberty, me too! I love your last paragraph; statements I too, repeat to myself over and over again. There are times I need to "feel" them though, not just know them. Therein lies the difference, right? This may seem so silly, but lately I have been listening to all my old EFY pick-me-up songs, and lots of hymns. It has helped me so much in my struggles with enduring as a parent. A lot of times I feel like this parenting gig is my true test in life, all the things I had hoped and planned to be, are not as easy as I originally thunk! Aye. So thankful too, for the power of prayer. Thanks for being real in this post. And for the record, I love your blog... Just sayin'

Ps Congrats on the calling too (gulp!) you truly will be great at it!

bits and pieces of our family life said...

Good for you for writing all of this down! You inspire me!

Dirk and Trish said...

I'm sorry you are so overwhelmed! It may be little comfort, but the reason it's so hard is because you care! That makes an immeasurable and irreplaceable difference in your kids' lives. It takes a lot of courage to share your struggles. I hope it brings you support and maybe some useful ideas if that's what you want. Congrats and good luck with the new calling! You will be great! You are a wonderful example for those young women. Love you all!

Annie said...

Thanks for sharing your thoughts. You're not alone! Parenting is so hard. We all struggle with different things, and we're especially hard on ourselves sometimes. I was just thinking of a talk by Uchtdorf that is good to read over and over again - "Forget Me Not", in oct 2011 Gen Conf. The first thing he says is to forget not to be patient with yourself. Don't be so hard on yourself. The rest of the talk says just the right things for us to hear.

Congrats on your new calling. So many blessings are in store! And good luck journaling!

Jenny said...

Oh Liberty! First let me say I love your blog and I love hearing your inner thoughts. It makes me feel completely normal! You are amazing! You will be fabulous in YW!

And don't be so hard on yourself... before you they can be missionaries, they do have to survive childhood! Even if that's just surviving from their parents :)

whitney said...

First off-I love you so much! I know you struggle with anxiety-induced self-confidence, but know how absolutely wonderful I think you are. You are fabulous and spiritual and wonderful and beautiful in so many ways! Give me a call if you'd ever like a detailed list ;)

2nd-your children are yours for a reason. How many people would've recognized their need to be diagnosed with anxiety and ADHD other than you and Kit, having dealt with both of those yourself. I know they are handfuls, I see it first-hand time and time again...but (as I know you know) they are such WONDERFUL handfuls. They are just so full of personality,stubbornness, and intelligence that I can definitely see how it could get overwhelming sometimes. They are 4 of my very favorite children in the whole, wide world. I seriously just wish you could ship them all to me in a big wooden crate to take care of for a while (especially Emme and Gun since they're my particular brand of crazy ;)

Lastly-I still vote for commune living. Think about how much easier this whole mamahood thing would be if you could just send them over to auntie's when you've hit your limit?

Jennifer and Enoch Jones said...

All I have to say is you make me feel better as a parent. I try as hard as I can, and I only have 2 little ones right now. I know that you are a wonderful mom, and you love your children, and that's SO much more than a lot of children get. I know through your challanges as a parent, you and your family will be blessed and strengthened. Something I know from struggles and challanges, is it brings us closer as a family, and closer to our Heavenly Father. Love you Liberty!