Saturday, September 29, 2012

Grey Skies

The clouds hung low and grey all day today.  I was peppy this morning, getting up and working hard to be cheerful and get the beasties doing all of their (and my) chores.  I was happy thinking of Kit making it alive through the night long relay race he played a part of despite his toe issues.  He rode safety on a bicycle beside the runners.  He checked in at almost 60 1/2 miles (a major wahoo!!  for my sweetie; he is always amazing me!).  He made it home and took a short hour nap before taking all the kids with him to the official finish line to cheer on the last runner.  I should have been praising the heavens for an afternoon child-less.  They are seriously few and far in-between...but...I wasn't very excited.  I had a rough night with my daughter.  She woke up two different times last night and we ended up sleeping on the couch downstairs (in fact, I woke to realize we were downstairs and all 3 of the beasts were in my bed).  That is just an itty-bitty reason.  The real reason, despite my adoration of our friends Frank and Jen, was it was a Pampered Chef party.  With people I didn't know.  What's the prob with that??  It is a perfect storm for my anxiety to swell.  I hate parties where I know the desire/intent is to sell things...uggh!!  The pressure, even though it isn't really there.  Lurking.  Secondly, chillin' with chicks I don't know is blehhh, blehh, blehh!  I love chatting, visiting, teasing, laughing, EVERYTHING...with girls I know.  I freeze up with unknowns.  I fret whether I might somehow offend them, I don't know...I just worry.  Sigh.

But, I went, and I tried to have fun.  I did.  Then I didn't.  I think the grey just got to me.  

A little girl, barely 2 years old and named Aubrey Lynn, came to the party with her mama.  She was dainty, darling.  I talked and played with her like I did the two  6 year old Dylans also at the party.  The problem was, I compared her to Emmeline.  I compared everything.  And I got sad.

I have not had too difficult a time with Em's diagnosis.  Emme is just Emme.  I mean, I worry a lot of the practical things-how to get her enrolled in the training, going gluten free, etc.  I worry about how I interact with her to make it be for the best benefit for her, but I didn't really, really have a difficult time.  Today I cried.  I got in the car when Kit and the kids picked me up and I cried.  Hard.  There was just so much about little Aubrey that was like Em.  Her big brown eyes, the color and length of hair, her cute little jeans.  She was like Emmeline...but not.  Little Aubrey came right up to me and asked me to hold her (she was quite a people-comfy gal).  She then asked for bites of my food, asked me what everything was, and chatted her way through the afternoon.  Was she cute?  Darling.  Of course Emme is cuter! ;)  What got to me is I compared.  I spend almost all day, every day with my baby girl.  I forget how typical 2 1/2 year old children act.  I forget how grown up they can seem.  I forget their conversation skills, their mannerisms.  Being around someone so like Emmeline and so different...

So, what have I learned once I dried the tears?  I learned not to compare.  Because, for sure, the Lord gave me the best little girl He had for our family.  She is one-in-a-kazillion.  The truth is Emmeline Lili is incomparable.   


Haylee Munk Brown said...

I would love to meet your little Emme. I am sure that she is AMAZING! And she has the perfect mother to aid her in her path in life. I have no doubt that she is so special and even though things will be a little harder for you and her, that in the grand scheme of things she is one of the great spirits!! What a wonderful mother you are Liberty!

Lively Luckinbills said...

I just have to say that you make me feel so good when you comment on my blog and I feel so bad that all I do is read yours but never comment. I LOVE reading about what goes on in your mind and in your family. When you post on your struggles it makes me feel so normal. So, thank you!

Jill said...

I know exactly what you mean about going to parties. EXACTLY! I don't like to go because I feel that pressure to buy things. I hate it. I want to just hang out. And the funny thing is that I distribute Choffy and I have Choffy tastings now. It's odd, but I don't feel uncomfortable at my own parties. Probably because I'm busy. Remember - you don't have to go to parties. You can do whatever you want! Tyler has banned me from baby showers, because they are too painful. You can ban yourself from parties or have Kit do it! :)